Logic and Reason
Cootules I knows you has had many adorable chortles at Brad's expense. A well executed plan, some deft maneuvers, and my car vanishes without even moving. You might have noticed there a lack of stories and that’s cuz for every moment where Brad spazzes out there are about 10 others where Brad suffers minor confusion or just gets super annoyed. At the risk of a grumpies Cootules I will attempt to impart a moment of logic and reason which may have ruined him as a person.
The other day I was running a bit late. Chirp chirp vrooom from Sport and we’re off. Make my way through the neighborhood and neutral down the main street. Bit of a cluster derp at the intersection for the on ramp. Sitting there roasting my clutch knowing I’m on top of a powderkeg. I get my shot; clutch release and the dash is slip warnings as I ride a wave of torque around the corner. 2nd the warnings continue; 3rd more warnings before the VDC gets things in line halfway down the ramp. I scamper onto the highway and proceed to match traffic in the passing lane. I get into a convoy doing 80 in a 65. As we pass under another highway a cop sees us and we slow down. He’s not about to bother entering a packed highway to chase down some randos who were ‘just keeping up’. We keep going and the cop does squat.
When I get to work I tells this story to just about everyone I’m trolling including Brad… except I leave out some parts… all the parts. The version of events they get is “Cop just caught me dead to rights doing 80+ in a 65” - Copy/paste of text sent. Brad hears this and he is pisssssed.
About twice a year Brad has a run in with the law. Doing 100+ pretty much anywhere. Going muddin’ on someone else’s land; got caught cuz 2nd time in the mud pool he got stuck. Driving around with a ‘minor’ who is smoking. Whenever he chest bumps a cop car while getting bracelets fitted it results in him dragging his sickly lawyer of a grandfather to the courthouse to explain away his obvious crimes. Even though nothing legally sticks to him every encounter gets him roasted by pretty much everyone he knows. The knowledge that Sport is some sort of stealth cruiser, invisible to police, buuuuuurns him. He’s goin’ around in a base model v6 Ram slipping transmission being followed by a police detail while Sneakors skates by in some car that he can’t even prove exists.
I tells u that story so u can understand that Brad is super grumpies coming in today. Nothing seems to be going his way -PEEZE IGNORE HIS OBVIOUS CRIMES- and there’s Sneakors back at it again wid the trolling. For a minute Logan swings by the shop and a new guy sees his 5.0 mustang; “It’s a garbage car” -new guy. The rest of the night for Brad is joking about Logan’s car, avoiding work, and getting trolled by me. In the middle of garbage car jokes Brad’s mind swings back around to my car and he launches into a rant about how it’s slower than a GTO and how parts on it are broken and how I’m speeding past cops. To be clear the rant didn’t make sense in person either. I then respond to Brad in a quiet and humble fashion.
Now you is the Cootules. You knows Sneakors. There is things that is real bad signs; being on the wrong end of super happy or super angry Sneakors is always going to be a bad time. Now if humble Sneakors was to come up to Cootules I’m sure Cootules would come over all cute and defuse the situation with cuddles. Brad is not a cute girl. Brad is a derp with ADHD.
I Occam's razor this shit. “Brad, what if I was not actually driving to work every day? What if I was renting out a suit at the Hotel down the road for $500 a month? It would explain why you never see the car.” As I speak Brad’s eyes go wide realizing that around 100 hours of scouring the parking lot have gone to waste. “Statistically you should have seen it by now. It’s nearly been a year.” ‘Sneakors, that’s a lot of money’ He stammers. “It is, but do you think it’s something I would do?” The entire last hour is just Brad in quiet rage. Not defeated by some last minute chase or shuffling of bits, but by the acceptance of logic and reason that there simply can’t be a car.
Chirp chirp vrooom and I scampers off into the night.
