Impossible Reality

Cootules you is all the cutes and no doubt u has all the questions; ‘why does anyone believes u has a car if they never sees it?’  Thing is this is a good question; a real question. Something I actually brought up on occasion; asking them if I was using a taxi.  However most didn’t bite because the evidence I had a car was too strong.

Der I was lookin’ for lunch as I occasionally does.  One day I took a survey of my coworkers asking where they would suggest I eat.  Got suggestions for the standard burger chains, but the one that stood out was that of service writer Brody; Cakecake Factory.

Now I has been a diabetic for many years and never knew of the place before my affection.  Even though I is often a bad diabetic I knows I has no business at a factory that makes cakes.  Which is good cuz the ‘local’ Cakecake Factory was 30 minutes away with the most favorable traffic.  And since lunch was allotted an hour there would be no way to make anything happen. Now queue Brody losing his shit when he comes into the break room and sees me chowing down on some Cakecake Factory foods in their Cakecake Factory containers.

You knows dis has to be impossible and that’s cuz it is.  The story Brody gets is how I raced down town with ma tires on fire, grabbed a togo order, and raced all the way back to the shop.  However u can already guess reality. There I am the night before using Sport’s impossible handling to fit my luxury barge’s girth into some moped size spots.  Then I trundles on down to the Cakecake Factory and orders some random stuffs; egg rolls and calamari? Why not. Den the next day at work everything gets nuked and suddenly my unicorn really does run on magic.

However things is never that simple.  Suddenly Brody’s brother, Bean, had a place 20 minutes out he just loved; it had this special shrimp.  And I knows a Cootules is gonna be all like ‘u can just do the same ting like how I’m just always cute.’  But thing is I couldn’t. This place in question had their heads up their ass real far. They had like reverse bank hours.  I couldn’t get my lunches to line up for anything. On top of this Bean wanted some of the shrimp and there was no way nuked shrimp was passing the flavortown test.  Pretty much impossible.

Den one week later I shows up and plops down a massive order of shrimp during lunch.  The very shrimp which Brody’s brother desired. Queue Bean losing his shit; squeaky voice, red face, wide eyes aka the Full Cootules.  And u is gonna be all suspicious like; ‘clearly this would be impossible to fake, but u faked it so... Delivery? Oven? Other restaurant?  What's the sneakorsy here?’ And that's the trick; there was no trick. I did it legit.

Problem was I had low tier low tread garbage Michelins; only slightly better than racing slicks in the rain.  Normally the VDC traction control was responsible for my impossible handling, but on this occasion it needed to find grip.  No reasonable task. However when you have a car that doesn't exist anything is possible. Went looking in my gearbox for an answer; found 5th.  Underrated as a gear. Summoned up a wave of torque and rode it all the way there. Arrived just as the place was opening bright and early at 4pm; took food from them like a triathlete passes a baton.  Then proceeded to pave the roads with slabs of tire back to the store. I knows you has a worry, but the bend in the laws of physics will buff out. The real tough part was distorting time.  

This particular day I slipped out real quiet like.  Slithered out to a conveniently parked unicorn and off to the races.  When I returned I slipped back in without anyone being put on notice. Far as they could tell I just started my lunch even though I’m like 40 minutes in; PEEZE IGNORE COMPUTER RECORDS.  So there I find Brody and Bean and we has lunch together. Lots of spicy shrimp to go round. Both of them legitimately dumbfounded as to how they were eating fresh food. Tale of this feat spread like wildfire round the shop.  However the best part was manager Ross who was with us. A stoic gentleman and quiet member of Team Troll. Just sitting there befuddled. Confounded fucking look on his face; watching the entire ruse go down. Knowing full truthies, but still feeling like he was bein’ trolled.